Influencing Behavior Change With The ABC Loop

Last summer, I read the book The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins, and one idea really stuck with me: the ABC Loop. There were tons of other great things in there; I highly recommend reading for yourself! 

Today, I want to take the concept she presented and apply it to you, a health-conscious person who has probably tried and failed to get loved ones into the gym, eat healthy, or make any other health-related behavior change. 

I love my family, but growing up, I never really saw any of them exercise or eat well. As I found CrossFit, became a coach, and went to school for exercise science, you can imagine I pushed them all to change. But what I didn’t know then is that when you push someone to do something, you often push them away from that change. The reality is, most of us don’t like being told what to do, especially by our children, spouses, or siblings. This went wrong, over and over again. I tried presenting facts and giving data; no change. I tried giving personal anecdotes; no change. This is why I am writing this blog post: to remind myself of how I want to SHOW UP for my family and help influence change the right way. 

What I never did was ask them how they felt about it, or give them space to think about what they want. I have found that when I apply the ABC Loop, the change is way more likely to happen.

The ABC loop

This is what the ABC stands for:

A - Apologize and Ask 

B - Back Off

C - Celebrate and Model 

This is a simple and elegant framework, but in reality, it is quite hard to get right. You’ll mess it up, and I have too. But this is the best framework I have found to discuss health and fitness with the people I care about. 

Apologize and start the conversation

The first place Robbins suggested you start is by identifying a good time to bring up this change. Make sure you both have time for a real conversation, don’t have this conversation with alcohol, and be in the right space (not in public or over the phone). 

When you start the conversation, you need to apologize for how you have acted and take ownership of your role in the dynamic. You can’t follow the apology up with an accusation either.

“I am sorry I have been pressuring you about going to the gym.” 

This simple apology, without explaining yourself or placing blame on them, is really important. It gives them space to open up to you. Then we have to ask open-ended questions.

“How does my nagging you make you feel?”

“How does thinking about going to the gym make you feel?” 

“How does drinking alcohol make you feel?” 

“Why do you feel that way?”

“That sounds frustrating. Do you want to change?” 

These questions will help you learn about your loved one and actually understand why they do what they do, and how they feel about their behaviors. You have to ask these questions and listen. “Why” is your best friend here: learn why they feel embarrassed or why they struggle to stick to things. 

But once you start this conversation, you can’t just start pushing your agenda. This conversation isn’t about you. If you judge them or push your own ideas, they will disengage and shut themselves off. You’ve got to accept them for who they are. Asking open-ended questions is how you learn about them. This conversation will create internal tension for them. Tension is a powerful motivation to change, because suddenly staying the same isn’t the easy answer. And humans are hard-wired to do things that feel easy.

Time to back off

Now you need to give them space; back way off. People don’t change when they get told to; they change when they decide that change is easier than staying the same. Don’t pressure them, micromanage, or nag them. Let them do what they are going to do. When you give them space, they can begin to make changes when they want to. They will reflect on the discomfort they felt when talking about why going to the gym is hard for them, which may motivate them to change.

Model the change you want to see

At the same time, you need to be modeling change. In her book, Robbins says it is hard to convince a spouse to stop drinking while pouring yourself a glass of wine. You have to show yourself doing the behaviors you want to see, and make them look fun, easy, and enjoyable. Showing off your torn hands, bruised thighs, or scraped-up shins won’t sell your loved ones on trying CrossFit. You’ve got to show them the fun parts. Come home smiling, talk about the fun parts of your workout, and make it sound generally enjoyable.

Along the way, you need to celebrate their wins. If your partner goes for a walk on their lunch break, that is a huge step. Celebrate it, give them a fist bump and a hug, and tell them you love them. This simple act can help boost motivation and make them want to repeat the behavior. Keep SHOWING UP and modeling the behavior, but don’t start pushing them to work out or eat exactly like you do.

This is how you can influence and inspire change. You cannot make an adult do anything that they don’t want to do. All you can do is let them make choices and model change yourself. 

Why it never stops at C

You might be asking yourself, “Why is it a loop?” Well, Robbins addressed this, too. You are going to mess up; you are going to get frustrated when change takes longer than you think it should. You are going to push them and nag them; you will make mistakes. And when you do, you need to start again. Apologize and Ask, Back Up, Celebrate and Model, Repeat.

As I write this, I know I have messed up soooo many times. I want my husband to work out, I want my mom to drink less, and I want my sister to stop smoking. But the change has to be their choice. All I can do is provide an example that will make it easier for them to change their choice.